Soooooo I wrote Part 3 like three months ago and I'm just getting around to posting it now. /o\
This will be a fun, easy project, I said! It will get me back in the habit of blogging, I said!
Well, anyway, have some shenanigans. There will be more shenanigans, they just might take longer than I'd initially thought.
Part 3: Kamehameha Stirs Some Shit
So the placement of this next story in the timeline is pretty fuzzy, I can't find even an approximate date for it anywhere on the internets, but I'm going to tell it here because I heckin' feel like it. I can be reasonably sure it did actually happen, because I got this story directly from the mouth of one of the head dudes at Interpretation in Hawai‘i Volcanoes National Park, and these guys don't just hand out lies and hearsay. Or they don't anymore, anyway.
So at whatever the heck point in the late-1700s-probably this story takes place, Kamehameha is still chilling in the royal court of his uncle, King Kalani‘ōpu‘u. And Kalani‘ōpu‘u has commissioned a heiau (temple) to be built in the ahupua‘a of Punalu‘u in the moku (district) of Kaʻū. Now, there are lots of different kinds of heiau used for different purposes, but this particular heiau was to be a luakini heiau, a heiau where blood sacrifices of animals—and humans—took place. And as the heiau was completed, a human sacrifice was needed for the dedication ceremony.
Now, fortunately—well, fortunately for most people—an excellent candidate for human sacrifice was making himself known. Like, really, it's as if this guy erected a neon sign over himself saying "I'M A DICKHEAD, PLEASE GET RID OF ME." I don't know his name, but he was a lower-level chief in the moku of Puna who was generally being a jerk to common people in his care, taxing and hoarding more than his fair share of wealth (food, mostly). Incidentally, he was known for having really really long hair.
Kalani‘ōpu‘u decided he wants to be rid of this guy, and one of his kahuna (priests) steps forward and says he will be able to do it if the gods are with him. So the kahuna takes an army and goes after this guy, who very wisely has gone into hiding. They scour the moku of Kaʻū and Puna, generally also being murderous jerks, but this time ~Jerks with the Blessing of the King~, and eventually the common people who are JUST MINDING THEIR OWN BUSINESS, JEEZ, give him up to avoid more rampaging. Turns out he cut his hair to change his appearance and has been hiding out on some small offshore island. So the kahuna and his army capture the jerk guy and drag him back to Punalu‘unui Heiau where he's killed and prepared for sacrifice.
"But wait," you say, "where the hell is Kamehameha in this story?"
"RIGHT HECKIN' HERE," I say.
So it's the day of the dedication ceremony and the entire royal court is standing around, Kalani‘ōpu‘u and his sons and especially his oldest son/royal heir Kīwalaʻō, and his nephew Kamehameha, everybody all wearing their fancy feather capes. And the offering of bananas has been placed on the altar, and the offering of pig has been placed on the altar, and here comes the kahuna with the body of Jerk Guy from Puna, and he's headed for Kīwalaʻō, whose great honor it is to place the human sacrifice on the altar. And he's just handing it over to Kīwalaʻō when Kamehameha steps forward, takes the friggin body himself and puts it on the altar!!
And everyone's like 8OOOOOOOOOOOOO
And everyone's like, "OH SHIT DID YOU SEE WHAT HE DID RIGHT THERE, DAAAAAAANG!!"
...Not only is this REALLY FRICKIN' RUDE, I mean, that's basically a slap to Kīwalaʻō's face right there, but I would like to remind you that Kamehameha is both much lower in rank, in terms of proximity to the throne, as well as sacredness, but here he goes again, DOING THINGS HE DOESN'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO, stirring shit.
So this was probably not the start of beef between Kamehameha and Kalani‘ōpu‘u's sons, I mean, if he's pulling this kind of maneuver, presumably the beef already exists, but this was definitely an early, highly-public airing of said beef. Like, pretty strong indication to everyone that there's Drama happening all up in the royal court.
We'll get back to that in a couple installments. Next time we're going on a bit of a tangent to discuss an event that Kamehameha's a minor character in, but this event changed his whole flippin' world and helped make it possible for him to get where he eventually got, namely, the Kingiest King that ever Kinged in all of the islands. So. It's a pretty important tangent.
See you next time!
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